TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A different put wherever American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Every person a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a Trump Tower Damascus tower in the war zone. It is really that he must end utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where my PTSD might have turn-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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